I have been called cynical and pessimistic many times in my life. Ironically, I have also been called naïve and idealistic many times in my life. And I can bet you anything that I’ll keep being labelled both ways by different people at various points, and on every single occasion, it will say much more about them, than it ever says about me.
Sure, sometimes I do see myself as quite naïve. I definitely strive to see best in people (and life in general), and it occasionally (like now) does bite my arse, rather badly. But I still think it’s better that way, even though the bumpy road to this conclusion was nowhere near easy. As the time went on and my self-awareness kept expanding, I’ve learnt to stop giving myself so much shit for that innate “idealism”. I grew to appreciate and hone it instead. Guard it like my biggest treasure.
My internet nickname has never been my favourite. But years have passed and I could never settle on anything that would feel more accurate, more me. I am and have always been a big dreamer, and surprisingly (or maybe not at all?), now I want to consciously remain a big dreamer. You bet that my view on dreams, my understanding and definition of them, has massively evolved (and keeps evolving). You bet there is a lot of sensible realism (or empiricism, as my old supervisor once pointed out) tagging along, performing all the necessary “reality checks”. I know fairly well now, that without the right balance between heart and reason, without a recognition and acceptance of that innate ambivalence of life, it would be just another deceitful way of living in my own head – and I’m way past that escapism. In my current life, avoidance has little value and is acceptable only in tiny doses, as part of some bigger, necessary process (which is only right of the future CBT therapist, I dare say). In my world, you face it until you make it.
But I do not underestimate the power of dreams and hopes anymore. Because hope (however fucked it actually is) is needed, especially in the darkest of times. Hope may be naïve and feel very pointless at times (believe me, I do know), but it is also scientifically proven to be a crucial element for our well-being, growth and any kind of progress. And that’s what dreamyania is all about. This is what I make my life all about. I’m a hopeful person. Even when – or maybe especially when – it lands me on my arse and hurts like hell. Because at the end of the day, I’d much rather be seen as stupid and naïve than indecent and shitty. In the long run, I’m losing way less sleep over it.
Someone wise (Stephen Fry while quoting Oscar Wilde, possibly?) said that we should describe ourselves in verbs, not nouns, since nouns define us too strictly. It’s only natural for one action to be followed by another (of any kind); it’s not so natural for a noun to evolve into something else. You get the picture: getting too attached to nouns could be a mind-trap, a severe limitation. This kind of thinking fits pretty well with my belief that it’s way more important to know what you don’t want rather than what you do want: to do, rather than to be. All I really am (and ever want to be) is a “decent enough” human being, who does stuff: writes, photographs, provides CBT therapy, reads, works, enjoys little things in life, goes crazy in front row for Muse and Biffy Clyro, loves, cares, makes amends and expresses themselves the best way they know how. Fuck knows what I’ll be doing next: in a year, five years or a whole decade, the possibilities are endless. But I’ll still be just Ania. Maybe a little dreamy at that, but just Ania who does stuff.
What I’m daydreaming the most about these days, is a nuanced world, where I can freely and safely express all my emotions. Where I’m not instantly put into certain boxes, without much question or any deeper reflection. Where sensitivity, vulnerability and emotionality is not seen as the root of all evil, but as an aid to more fulfilling, more humane life. That’s why I make empathy, compassion and sensitivity my core asset, my main thing, both here (online) and in my private life: I want to be able to provide others with what I myself would like to be greeted with.
P.S. It is kind of ironic – but maybe also very telling – that I’ve finished writing this lengthy piece in the midst of one of the biggest crisis of hope I’ve ever experienced.
P.S. 2. I’ve once written a little bit more about how I see myself here: Behind the glasses.
dreamyania 