Prickly bits

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: learning how to be vulnerable in front of others legitimately turned my life around. I could not recommend it enough. Yet, let me tell you that it’s not a walk in the park. Like everything else worthwhile in life, it comes at a price. You know, terms and conditions apply.

The impossible choice

It all started with a paper I had to write for my diploma in CBT and groupwork, back in January: on attachment theory and human development. Naturally, I got completely hooked. Finding possible (yet never final) answers to my never-ending questions is a rewarding processes – even if at times emotionally exhausting. Algorithm quickly picked up on my new searches (attachment, human development) and connected them with the old ones (trauma, complex ptsd, therapy) – that’s how Gabor Mate started showing up in my feed on regular basis.      

Stop counting on fresh starts

As the New Year draws in and internet is exploding with all the “New Year, new me” kind of advice, I remind myself of a conclusion I came to last year: this isn’t the time for new starts. Dates are just a way of measuring time passed: they’re useful to keep track of things, that’s all. If the end of the year should be for anything at all, that would be it: reflecting back, not planning ahead.

I stopped counting on fresh starts a while ago anyway, and I think you should too.

You could easily raise your eyebrow now and confront me about this: not counting on fresh starts!? And who moved away from Poland three times, and eventually build their life from scratch in Scotland!? Damn right, you are! I definitely did count on fresh starts for quite a while. I’m not arguing their existence or occasional usefulness. But I think it’s worth noting that they could also become a quite dangerous habit: a fancier way of avoiding confrontation.

Precisely because I once was an eager advocate for fresh starts, now I’m very cautious about them.

Rightful (hysterical) anger

First things first: consider yourself warned, as this is an angry and definitely not family friendly rant.

I’m angry and I want to scream: loudly, hysterically, desperately. I’m on edge and have been feeling like this for over a week now. Doom and gloom, I feel like giving up on humanity altogether. And it’s not even about my personal, inner crisis (which is nonetheless happening alongside)!

Whenever I try to unload and discuss it with someone, I get “kindly” lectured on the importance of detachment (“for mental health”!), and the ultimate need to look for positives. WHICH ARE PRECISELY PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM!