Self-awareness is the key

A while back, one of my best friends confessed that over the years I’ve become his inspiration and he hopes to arrive where I am now (mentally) one day. An older friend of mine once told me it fascinates him how well developed my radar for bullshitting seems to be. My flatmate thinks I got my shit together and my then-friend now-partner willingly admits that what drew him in was how sure of my own decisions and opinions I seemed to be. And even though being complemented like this still makes me uncomfortable, a part of me nods in agreement: yes, knowing yourself may be tough as fuck at times, but it does pay off.

It all boils down to self-awareness.

Why writing is shit

I have written a few posts on writing in my life. Some of them I even published. For the most part, they all are rather appreciating towards the art of writing words down. You know, something along the lines “writing down your (way too frequent) thoughts, crazy ideas, wildest dreams, greatest fears and brave imaginations makes you so much richer a person”.

This one, however, is not like that. This one is the opposite. It’s (fucking finally, I’d say) about how difficult, uncomfortable and utterly fucked-up writing is.

And also, how fucking desperately I need it in my life, precisely because it’s so shit.

I’m scared. And so what?

Nobody likes to admit they’re scared or afraid – I definitely don’t. It shows weakness, something everyone prefers to hide deep within. Strength, independence, fearlessness, bravery, success, that’s what’s selling best, that’s what everyone wants to talk about, that’s what you’re taught to appreciate. Fear and failure are to be avoided. Sometimes at all costs. Silenced, forgotten, ignored.

But they shouldn’t be. And that’s exactly why I’m writing here, now.

Because, over the past few years, I have learnt to appreciate both fear and failure.

Yeah, it’s still shit, it’s still awfully hard to deal with, I still don’t like it (who does?), but I do appreciate it. As Yoda says: the greatest teacher, failure is. And he’s right. As ever.