I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: learning how to be vulnerable in front of others legitimately turned my life around. I could not recommend it enough. Yet, let me tell you that it’s not a walk in the park. Like everything else worthwhile in life, it comes at a price. You know, terms and conditions apply.
Sometimes when you become vulnerable – i.e. when you let someone have a peek into your head in the darkest of moments – certain people take it as an ultimate truth about you, and it puts them off. Everything they knew and loved about you prior, suddenly disappears. All the nuance: gone. All the things they’ve noticed and cherished at first: now completely irrelevant.
Because how can you be strong, positive and independent when you are also so sensitive, full of self-doubt and in need of support!?
It fucking sucks – rejection is never fun.
As much as I wish we were living in the world where vulnerability is valued and appreciated, I’m well aware of the daunting reality: vulnerability is still vastly perceived as a weakness, a major inconvenience at best. We arrived at a point where our most humane part became so widely unwelcomed, that supressing it is automatic. It’s fully expected.
Does this sound weird and completely counterintuitive to me now? You bet!
Was that always the case though? Hell no!
My own mum (till this very day!) tells me I’m weak when I cry or show my pain in front of her, so go figure what kind of a worldview I got internalised as a kid. My natural sensitivity (and emotionality) has always been perceived as a problem – or an unwelcomed vice.
I once also hated emotions (because I believed they were making me unlovable) and was a total stranger to nuance and ambivalence. Vulnerability was a very dirty word indeed.
But the truth is that precisely because of that original worldview, I understand it now. And I know that change is possible because I am that change. I’m not repeating what was once instilled in me, I don’t tell people that “some have it worse”, that they should “suck it up”, “stop crying” or “drop the drama” and “be strong”. No. When someone cries in front of me, I encourage them to keep going. If anything, when they start apologising for “falling apart” in front of me, I bluntly tell them to shut the fuck up: because there’s absolutely nothing to apologise for. Those are real, healthy feelings you’re experiencing and you’re always safe to express them in front of me. At any point, anywhere. I love when people cry – not because I enjoy people being in pain (of course not!), but because it’s very human. Shared emotions – and shared pain especially – bring people closer.
To make it clear though: as much as I welcome other people’s emotions and am no stranger to tears, I myself am still very much in a process of learning how to accept all of my own emotions, how to safely express them, and how to deal with people’s (often unkind) reactions to them. I may be well aware that crying is a healthy response, and there is no such thing as a bad or negative emotion, but my learnt, automatic response is still to apologise (profoundly), supress and feel ashamed about it. Reaction fuelled by paralysing fear. Fear of judgement and rejection.
Now, if it was an entirely irrational fear, I would know how to deal with it – the biggest perk of undergoing CBT training is to get to practise it on yourself. But this fear is not unfounded: judgement and rejection did happen, and it was brought down to my “emotionality”.
What I now recognise as my biggest strength, also brought me the biggest pain.
But I guess this is how it is. There’s always the risk. When you’re opening up, giving life and people a real shot, rejection and disappointment get instantly on the table. You cannot have one without the other. That’s what makes it so special, and that’s why so few people are actually able and willing to do it: be truly vulnerable.
Once you’ll feel love, you’ll taste the pain, as Biffy signs.
And what a fucking pain that is, eh.
And yet, I would not have it any other way.
Because when it lands on a fertile ground – maaan, there is nothing better under the sun!
It’s just that some people cannot take vulnerability.
And they will reject you for your prickly bits.
Just let them.
You can love your prickly bits regardless, don’t reject them on their account.
You can be prickly and loveable.
I know I am.
My worth no longer depends on someone else’s recognition.
It depends entirely on how well I recognise it myself.
And anyway: one is ready to truly see and accept other people’s prickly bits (and everyone has those!) ONLY when they’re willing to accept their own.
dreamyania 