On isolation

I feel obliged to say upfront that I am one of those lucky individuals who does not have to worry about money and work at the moment – I could, of course, since no one really knows where it’s all heading and how it will eventually end, but realising there’s no point worrying in advance, I’m simply appreciating being furloughed. I treat the lockdown as an unique opportunity to enjoy life differently: locally, quietly, slowly. Which feels somehow unfair to write about, when so many people around are really struggling. But at the same time it doesn’t seem like enough of a reason to not share my own perspective. Different as it may be, it’s equally valid.

If half a year ago someone told me I’d be living through global pandemic right now, I would not believe them. Nor would I believe that I’d be quite okay with it.

After my previous, extremely busy and socially active year, the news of impending lockdown grabbed me by the throat. I couldn’t imagine surviving without going out with people, to people. But then I remembered: hey, I used to be pretty good at that, being on my own! As long as all my friends and family stay safe, they will be there to meet and cuddle when it’s all over. Not seeing them is keeping them safe. So why not embrace the free time I suddenly gained? Instead of worrying myself sick, I focused on positives. I finally have the time to do all the things I was constantly postponing, being too busy socialising: reading books, editing photos, catching up on my diary and writing.

Again, I’m one of those lucky ones: I do like my own company (which I partly owe to the art of staying single all my life), I don’t struggle with depression and I don’t get bored easily (if I get bored at all). I need people around me, sure, but solid Internet connection and friendly flatmate covers my basic needs, with a surplus. Putting the underlying anxiety about your closest ones and the future of the whole bloody world aside, there’s nothing to get really upset about. Yeah, I may occasionally get awfully sad (and cranky) because I miss seeing some people more horribly than the others, but it’s not like I haven’t been getting occasionally sad before the lockdown, so I can live with that.

Halfway through the lockdown, one of my old colleagues casually asked what was the best thing that happened to me since I got stuck at home. To my surprise, I found myself struggling to pick just one: there’s plenty of things I’m extremely grateful for! I also got asked how do I deal with not attending any gigs this year (which in itself is a lie, since I managed to see Cage the Elephant in Glasgow, shortly before Covid19 went viral). Frankly? I haven’t even thought about it – it’s not like I’m missing out on them, since they’re not happening in the first place. And if I could have swapped it for an acoustic session with Simon Neil in my bedroom every Friday for a whole month – why on earth would I have ever complained? Same goes for all the trips: they’re not getting cancelled altogether, they’re just getting postponed. Besides, the times when I was living from one trip or gig to another, pretty much hating my life in-between, are long gone.

It strikes me how drastically my attitude towards life has changed. And this is one of the things the lockdown highlighted for me: how important the wee things in life actually are, how crucial it is to build a comfortable, likeable world around yourself. All of a sudden the simplest things became biggest treats, because I live under one roof with a friend, I love the flat I’m renting, I’m madly in love with the town I live in, I love the rain and the sun and the wind, I love going to bed before everyone else and getting up early in the morning so I can be one of the first to walk my favourite path in Hermitage of Braid. It’s perfectly enough to keep me happy and content, to a point that when I take that first sip of the coffee (prepared beforehand at home) on my favourite bench on mostly deserted Braid Hills, a wee tear of happiness is rolling down my cheek. It may sound ridiculous, but ever since the lockdown, my capacity for content, gratefulness and happiness expanded quite extensively.

I hear people struggling with their identity over lack of work and I’m quietly congratulating myself. I like my job and I need the money to survive, of course, but it’s not something that defines me, I do exist outside of it. I also see people making extensive lists and big plans for the time “after”, whenever that may be. I don’t feel any need to do that either. Is that living in the moment or just sensible thinking, since I know from experience that extensive lists and big plans usually cause more pressure and anxiety than actual excitement…?

You know, I may be locked down, but I’m still quite happy. Here and now.