It’s a sour life

We all know this well, I’d like to believe.

You wake up in the morning and nothing feels right, nothing seems to be worth getting up for. You just know that you’re useless today. Hormones, upset stomach, migraine, something that someone said to you yesterday, this ignored yet read message, mean comment, unanswered letter, your struggling friend or upsetting news from the troubled world – whatever the cause, the doubts devour you completely.

About the rhythm

I’m following this Swedish artist on youtube and in one of her relatively recent vlogs she mentioned that, to her, the summer time is all about activities, social events and widely understood external world, for looking outwards, while the winter time is all about looking inwards, taking a deep breath, re-thinking your life and recharging your batteries. Winter seems perfect for sitting down with a book, pen, pad or instrument and creating something new out of the abundance of stimuli you accumulated during the summer months. And I tend to agree. There’s a natural rhythm to it.

Why writing is shit

I have written a few posts on writing in my life. Some of them I even published. For the most part, they all are rather appreciating towards the art of writing words down. You know, something along the lines “writing down your (way too frequent) thoughts, crazy ideas, wildest dreams, greatest fears and brave imaginations makes you so much richer a person”.

This one, however, is not like that. This one is the opposite. It’s (fucking finally, I’d say) about how difficult, uncomfortable and utterly fucked-up writing is.

And also, how fucking desperately I need it in my life, precisely because it’s so shit.

I’m scared. And so what?

Nobody likes to admit they’re scared or afraid – I definitely don’t. It shows weakness, something everyone prefers to hide deep within. Strength, independence, fearlessness, bravery, success, that’s what’s selling best, that’s what everyone wants to talk about, that’s what you’re taught to appreciate. Fear and failure are to be avoided. Sometimes at all costs. Silenced, forgotten, ignored.

But they shouldn’t be. And that’s exactly why I’m writing here, now.

Because, over the past few years, I have learnt to appreciate both fear and failure.

Yeah, it’s still shit, it’s still awfully hard to deal with, I still don’t like it (who does?), but I do appreciate it. As Yoda says: the greatest teacher, failure is. And he’s right. As ever.