Rightful (hysterical) anger

First things first: consider yourself warned, as this is an angry and definitely not family friendly rant.

I’m angry and I want to scream: loudly, hysterically, desperately. I’m on edge and have been feeling like this for over a week now. Doom and gloom, I feel like giving up on humanity altogether. And it’s not even about my personal, inner crisis (which is nonetheless happening alongside)!

Whenever I try to unload and discuss it with someone, I get “kindly” lectured on the importance of detachment (“for mental health”!), and the ultimate need to look for positives. WHICH ARE PRECISELY PART OF THE FUCKING PROBLEM!

Know what you don’t want

I don’t have regrets.

The closest I have ever been to regretting anything, was my 1-year long weekend diploma in editing (back in Poland) which I paid for myself (spending all my savings) and which I passionately hated. The entirety of it, to the point that I actually repressed the whole thing. It was one of the worst academic experiences I have ever had. But still, from perspective, I wouldn’t say I regret it. You bet I could have spent that amount of money on a trip to Australia, which was my big dream back then. But my ultimate lesson here is that if I didn’t do this stupid diploma, I would never know – not for sure at least – that becoming an editor is not a feasible option for me. And I clearly did think so beforehand. If there really was anything “worth” regretting, it would be putting up with this hateful bullshit to the very end, even though I knew I’m never going to go anywhere near editing ever again. Instead of listening to myself, I let other people’s voices convince me that it “may become useful later”. Well, it didn’t.

But this was Ania from a lifetime ago, with so little trust in herself, and with all those big, life-altering lessons still ahead of her – I’d cut her some slack. She did best she could.

Triple trouble

Here’s an upside to break-ups: it makes you realise invaluable things about relationships in general. Or at least that’s what happens with me: I’m learning A LOT.   

I have known for a long time now that relationship has nothing to do with any of “the other half”, “the only one” or “happily ever after” kind of bullshit. If you so very wish, you can believe all those things about love, but leave the relationship out of it. Love by definition is (or at least should be) free and unconditional, but relationships aren’t. And they were never meant to be. (I wrote about it here.)  

What have become crystal clear to me is that every relationship is a tripartite system, equally composed of you, your partner (as two fully independent beings) and something that you are consciously choosing to build and share together. Something that will function, change and breathe on its own, even though it’s been constructed from bits and pieces of the other two components.  

What I learnt from my anger

I have always been a very impulsive and emotional person. I’ve always felt things before I knew or understood them. I’ve always seemed to feel stronger and deeper than anyone else around me, just as I’ve been getting affected by other people’s emotions way more than anyone else. Emotional landscape was quite naturally my kind of world.

Of course, over the course of my life I’ve been led to believe that this is undesirable, unhealthy, childish, irrational, hysterical, problematic – all sorts of bad, really. It got hammered into my head that I need to change it, hide it, withhold it. My parents, while they’ve always meant well and wished nothing but the best for me, managed to convince me I have some anger issues (I don’t). That I’m too loud, too direct, too vulgar and no one will ever want me that way.

And yet, even though I tried hard, I could never successfully supress my emotions, be this restrained, levelled “adult” people expected me to be. Sure it caused one hell of an inner conflict and laid out solid basis for most of my existential crises in coming years. I’ve been conditioned to believe that my natural sensitivity and emotionality are bad, at best unwelcomed. And so I kept them to myself, consequently denying myself the right to be vulnerable in front of the others.

Loads of bullshit that I now have a doubtful pleasure to unlearn.

Must admit though: it teaches me A LOT.